


Like we used to

by Spriingflower



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Age Difference, Birthdays, Established Relationship, Fluff, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Light Angst, M/M, jeongin and seungmin are soft boyfriends, like a very small age difference that suddenly feels very big
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-07
Updated: 2019-02-07
Packaged: 2019-10-23 23:08:37
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,431
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17692904
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spriingflower/pseuds/Spriingflower
Summary: "But we're still us right?"in which Jeongin just wants things between him and Seungmin go back to how they were before Seungmin turned 18.





	Like we used to

**Author's Note:**

> I put an underage warning just to be on the safe side.  
> This story includes (implied) sex between two 17-year-olds as well as sexual activities between an 18-year-old and a 17-year-old. Seungmin is 18, Jeongin is 17 turning 18 (I used international ages for this because the Korean age system confuses me). If you are in any way uncomfortable with this I advise you simply ignore this, I find this to be much more productive than sending hate comments. Thank you.

It all started the moment Seungmin blew out the candles on his birthday cake. Well maybe not in exactly that second, the actual trouble and awkwardness only really began later. But that little gust of wind had been what set it off. With the smoke circling up from the blown-out candles decorating the top of a cake that was basically drowning in baby blue buttercream frosting and the sound of people clapping and cheering, Seungmin had suddenly turned 18. And Jeongin, his boyfriend, was still 17. And even though their age difference had been the same just the day before and it would remain the same the day after, on the day of Seungmin's birthday there suddenly was a whole year separating them from each other.

Jeongin didn't notice it at first. Didn't think about it when he went up to kiss his boyfriend before he had even started cutting his cake into pieces. Didn't care when Seungmin giggled and fed the first small piece to him with his hand. Jeongin just licked the frosting off his fingers between giggles and loving glances as if there was no one in the room but the two of them. But they weren't. And he noticed. Noticed some of the wary glances from Seungmin's older friends who hadn't met Jeongin yet. Noticed the murmurs that tried so hard to be quiet that they became like the sounds of brittle leaves being crushed underneath your shoes. A silent noise that is at the same time irritatingly loud in an otherwise mostly quiet environment. Jeongin took a step back from his boyfriend, suddenly all too aware of everything in his surroundings. The stares of about a dozen pairs of eyes on his boyfriend and him. The overly sweet taste of buttercream on his lips. The faint music playing in the background. And the reminders of smoke from the candles biting into his nose and eyes. Silence fell heavy on the room in the same way someone drapes blankets over furniture in an abandoned house before they are buried under layers of age-old dust.

"So, you're into innocent guys?", one of Seungmin's friends who Jeongin had only seen in passing a couple of times remarked. From his tone, it wasn't fully clear whether he was teasing or mocking. Sometimes the line between playful banter and insults can be thin as a blade. Especially when the tension in the room is so high that you can almost feel it. Like a static buzzing sensation in the air that makes your skin crawl and your hairs stand up.

"What?", Seungmin asked, a mix of amused and bewildered by the statement. His friend shrugged, a smug smile on his face.

"I mean you're eighteen now and you're dating a minor so...", his voice trailed off, leaving the end of the sentence hanging in the air suggestively. Hushed voices seemed to complete it without saying anything. The buzzing grew louder.

"Innie isn't innocent at all", Seungmin chuckled. The laughter sounded forced, voice pressed, lips tight, smile tense. His fingers twisting and turning the knife that he had awkwardly picked up from the table after letting go of Jeongin again. A few other people laughed as well, silently, quickly covering it up in not so discrete coughs. The kind of polite laughter you give someone when you know that you have to laugh at their jokes because you are at their mercy. Or because it's their birthday party and you don't want to make them any more uncomfortable. The air was heavy, tension buzzing. Seungmin moved the knife in his hand around as if to try if it could really be possible to cut the air with how thick it suddenly felt. Seungmin's friend shrugged as if he didn't have a care in the world. He really didn't mean anything by his statement. Maybe that made it even worse.

"Just make sure you two don't get in trouble", he said. Another shrug. Another forced laugh as a reply. One of the candles on the cake was tilting dangerously to the side where Seungmin had taken out a piece to give it to Jeongin before even trying it himself. A drop of wax is about to fall from the still slightly smouldering candle, daring to spoil the cake. And Seungmin hasn't even cut it yet.  

"Either way lets just cut the cake", he announced. A bitter tinge of annoyance colouring his voice. Just the slightest bit of irritation. The buttercream didn't taste that sweet after that.

There were no other remarks about the topic after that. But that one drop of bitterness had been enough to spoil the whole day. Of course, they made the best of it. Laughed, celebrated, ate cake. But they kept a bit of distance between them, almost unconsciously. When Seungmin placed a hand on Jeongin's hip casually he jolted away and when Jeongin handed Seungmin his present – that shirt he secretly got the last time they went to a second-hand store together that Seungmin had been eyeing for a good five minutes before moving on and a handwritten letter cause he knows how much his boyfriend loves them – he did so without the kiss that would usually accompany such an event.

A pillow was squashed between their bodies that night, putting distance between them even while cuddled together in the small space of Seungmin's bed.

 

That had been back in September. Now it's December, Christmas is right around the corner, and they are in a karaoke bar together. Just the two of them, wearing their school uniforms even though it's not a school day. But it's the kind of date that Seungmin enjoys. He loves going to places like amusement parks or karaoke bars still in their school uniforms because it's the kind of date people in cheesy romance anime and coming of age stories go on and  _it just feels so much like youth, don't you think?_ And who would Jeongin be to deny his boyfriend this guilty pleasure? Sometimes when he is with Seungmin, he is actually not sure who of them really is younger. Seungmin acts so carefree sometimes. So youthful and easygoing. Maybe it's because despite being the older out of the two of them Seungmin is used to being the youngest basically anywhere else. The youngest out of his siblings. The youngest in his friend group. One of the youngest players in his baseball team. Whereas Jeongin actually has a younger sibling to occasionally look after. He's what some would call a sandwich child. He never had to feel the pressuring burden of being the oldest but he also didn't really get to be the youngest that everyone fusses over for too long – and most of that time he can't even remember anymore. He's in some weird grey area between being allowed to be a child and suddenly being put in charge when his older brother is out and he is alone with his younger brother. But Seungmin, Seungmin is the youngest almost everywhere else. Except for when he is with Jeongin. Sometimes Jeongin thinks that this is the main reason he fell for him. Because with Jeongin, Seungmin finally had someone to fuss over and take care off and tease as much as he wanted. And if there is one thing Seungmin really loves it's teasing him. Even before they actually started dating he was always all up in his personal space, hugging him, poking his cheeks and generally doting on him. At first, Jeongin found it irritating, always pushing Seungmin away from him but at some point he just accepted. Accepted the touching as well as the fact that maybe he wasn't all that opposed to it.

Honestly, Jeongin doesn't remember some big moment of confessing their feelings for each other and officially becoming boyfriends. It's like their relationship progressed naturally to where it is right now. Like a flower growing. They started as strangers, just two boys sitting next to each other in their biology class. Then they became friends. Best friends. Best friends with way too much skinship that raised suspicion everywhere they went. Two boys confused about whether or not it's okay to kiss your best friend. And finally boyfriends. A row of dominos falling, one hitting the next as they crash down.

Either way, Seungmin is 18 now and Jeongin needs to keep reminding himself of that fact. Because even though they keep saying that nothing has changed between them it's a big lie. And everything is different. Well,  _almost everything_ Jeongin thinks to himself while he watches Seungmin singing along to the third Day6 song in a row without even looking at the lyrics on the screen. His voice is soft and warm, finding all the right notes effortlessly, the microphone carefully held with both hands. Seungmin's smile is radiant as ever. Even while he makes his way through another melancholic song about heartbreak. Honestly, what's the thing with Day6 and heartbreak songs? They just have so many of them. Who hurt the lyricist?

Jeongin is sitting on the small couch in the small karaoke box, pretending to stare at the screen so he can avoid giving Seungmin the eye contact he is looking for, clapping along just slightly off-beat. Halfway into the hook part of the song Seungmin suddenly puts down the microphone on the table and sits down next to Jeongin. Where usually he would place a hand on his thigh or wrap an arm around his shoulders he just softly places a few fingers on his shoulder.

"Hey, what are you thinking about?", he asks, head tilted to the side, curiosity and concern mixing in his face. Jeongin shrugs, unconsciously pushing off Seungmin's hand with the movement.

"Nothing important", he lies. Or maybe he's not lying at all. Maybe he is making this a bigger deal than it actually has to be. There is no reason to get so hung up over their age difference all of a sudden. Seungmin had always been older. 4 months and 17 days older to be precise. Not even half a year. Not really a lot of age difference. But now he's 18 and Jeongin is a minor. The word keeps echoing around in his brain, haunting him every waking hour and sometimes taunting him even in his sleep.

"I'm not buying that at all. Something's bugging you. You didn't even sing one trot song yet even though we've been here for almost an hour now."

Seungmin pouts. The sad instrumental of the Day6 song keeps playing in the background, slowly fading out before the next song that they queued up at some point starts playing. Neither of them gets up to sing. Jeongin's sighs.

"Nothing changed between us, right?", he finally asks. Hesitantly. Not sure if it's the answer or the question itself he is fearing.

"Oh, Innie." Seungmin's pout melts into an expression that could almost be called touched. Almost. If it weren't for that bit of a teasing sparkle in his eyes. "Of course nothing changed, why would you even say that?"

"It's just... you know ever since your birthday I feel like we're kind of awkward. Because... you're eighteen suddenly and I'm... a minor. And it's like... we don't really do some of the stuff that we used to anymore and I' starting to feel like you are... I don't even know how to say it. It's as if you're suddenly afraid to touch me in certain ways. And I just... I don't want things to be like this just because you're suddenly older. I mean, it was always fine before when we were both the same age, so why is it suddenly not okay anymore? It's like we're tiptoeing around each other now. And we're hiding. I almost feel like we're back in the closet. I don't even know how to say it. It's almost as if our relationship suddenly became illegal. And I know that's so stupid but... I just don't know. We're still  _us_ right?"

Seungmin's mouth is hanging slightly open and Jeongin feels like tearing up. Not even because he is really that sad. He's just frustrated and putting everything into words like this makes him feel so incredibly vulnerable and kind of stupid. What even is his big problem? There really shouldn't be a goddamn problem. Why even is there a problem?

"Hey, look at me", Seungmin whispers, gently cupping Jeongin's face and forcing him to lock eyes with his boyfriend. Seungmin's eyes are deep brown, warm and filled with love. Jeongin instantly regrets having said something. He doesn't want to sound like he is doubting Seungmin or blaming him for being awkward around him or whatever. If anything he is the one making things awkward between them. Seungmin pouts again before he pinches both of Jeongin's cheeks at the same time. "Stop thinking that. And no, I don't need to be a mind reader to know what's going on in your head. You have that same look on you that you always have when you are beating yourself up over school work. Stop it. Nothing's changed okay. I'm just... I don't know. You seemed so tense lately. I actually thought that you were kind of shying away from me more. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to make you feel like that. I think you're overthinking this whole thing. Age is just a number you know. I mean, it would be different if I was some creepy thirty-year-old man or something I guess. But we were the same age just a few months ago. One of us just had to turn eighteen first, right? We couldn't stay seventeen forever. Sure, I'm eighteen now, but you will be too in not even two months. You're already taller than me. And you're getting your braces removed next month, right? Then you won't be my cute little baby anymore."

"Yah", Jeongin whines. And for a second he really thought that Seungmin was having a moment of empathy for once. But of course, he had to go right back to teasing. He's smiling.

"See, this is much better. And now get up and sing me one of those trot songs that you love so much", Seungmin says. His smile is radiant as ever. The hands on Jeongin's face feel warm and familiar. And for a moment it's so easy to believe that nothing changed after all.

 

Assurance is one thing, but it's hard to let yourself really be convinced when actions contradict words. It's easy to say that nothing has changed between them, but it's hard to believe when Jeongin just can't help but notice all the subtle changes in their relationship. They are no strangers to stares. To mumbling behind their backs and sometimes even rude comments right to their faces. Sometimes people change the side of the street when they see them approach hand in hand, acting just a little too friendly with each other to still be considered friends. They are no strangers to that kind of attention, but Jeongin feels it getting to him more these days. It's almost worse than when they first started dating. Because back then whenever some buff guy would stare at them with his nose scrunched Seungmin would deliberately wrap his arm around Jeongin's waist to pull him even closer while glaring the stranger down. Now they let go of each other's hands, hiding them away in their pockets as if they are something to be ashamed of. And probably that wouldn't even feel as terrible if at least things would still be normal when they are alone.

It's not that they don't touch anymore. Or that they stopped being affectionate. But lately, everything Seungmin does is accompanied by questions. A neverending stream of  _can I?_ and  _is this okay?_ that makes Jeongin want to scream in frustration. And it's not even that he minds the questions. Actually, there is something rather endearing about the way Seungmin stops, fingers halfway down Jeongin's back, playing with the hem of his shirt and biting his lip while he asks if it's okay to go any further than this. But these days he can't even get his boyfriend to kiss him without reaffirming him at least twice that it's alright for them to be doing this.

Jeongin finds himself longing for how things used to be a lot these days. Things were simpler back then. When they first undressed in front of each other, both of them 17 and neither of them really knowing what to do. Wide eyes open in curiosity as they mutually guided each other around their bodies. Back then questions had been mutual. The  _do you mind?_ and _does this feel good?_ coming from both of them. When answers came in the form of small whimpers and pleads for  _more._ When  _yes please_ had been the words most frequently exchanged between them.

Things were simpler back then and even though they are trying to deny it, so much has changed since then. And maybe they can never turn it back.

 

Jeongin gets his braces removed mid-January and Seungmin gets him a whole bag of the stickiest caramel bonbons he can find at the candy store in the big mall with the arcade they visit sometimes. The kind of candy that Jeongin could never really eat because it would always get stuck in his braces and take hours to clean out again. He devours almost half of the bag on their way back from the dentist and Seungmin watches him fondly, not even bothering to teasingly remind him, that he might get sick from eating the whole bag at once. He's going to let his boyfriend have this.

Later they end up in some old bookshop because Seungmin insists that bookshops make a great backdrop for pictures. And Jeongin doesn't complain as long as he can browse through the manga and comic section of the store for a bit after Seungmin is satisfied with his pictures. So he smiles in the camera for Seungmin, presenting his new teeth while posing in front of a shelf filled with old books and travel guides. The store owner throws them a curious glance every once in a while but doesn't bother with them much. They come here regularly and always make sure to at least buy a magazine or something to make up for the time they have spent standing around and taking pictures in the shop. Seungmin is standing in front of a display of calendars. And because Jeongin has to look into the camera he is holding up he also needs to keep looking at the calenders. Since the year has already started and the first month is almost completely over already most of them have colourful stickers announcing a discount on them. It's like they are taunting Jeongin. He has started counting down the days to his birthday. Suddenly he's so eager to be 18. As a child, he always dreaded the thought of having to grow up. But now his coming of age just can't be soon enough.

They can't go back to how things were when both of them were 17. But maybe things can be like this again when they are both 18.

 

The night before Jeongin's birthday they are huddled together under a blanket on Jeongin's bed with Seungmin's laptop sitting in front of them. They are already seven episodes deep into some historical drama and Jeongin can feel his eyelids beginning to droop. He has his head pillowed on Seungmin's shoulder, watching the time displayed at the bottom of the screen out of the corner of his eye. Just another fifteen minutes or so until midnight. Seungmin insisted they stay up together to count down to his birthday. As if it's the new year they are celebrating and not just the day Jeongin turns a year older. It's just the kind of thing Seungmin would suggest. Kind of cheesy but also just way too adorable to turn down. Tomorrow they will go out and celebrate with some of Jeongin's friends but tonight belongs just to them.

Seungmin has one hand on Jeongin's thigh, moving his fingers absentmindedly. The way he sometimes also runs them through his own hazelnut hair while he is talking or the way he plays around with his pen while thinking about the answer to the next question when they are both working on their homework together. Touching Jeongin casually like this comes naturally to Seungmin. It happens unconsciously. Just like breathing. And in the same way that once you become aware of your breathing you can suddenly not stop being conscious of it, Jeongin also can't stop being aware of the way he is being touched once he focuses on it. His eyes are too tired to keep following the events on screen. The rest of his body feeling heavy and comfortably beginning to numb. Seungmin's hand on his thigh is the centre of his universe. He is hyper-aware of every little movement of Seungmin's fingers. His fingers are soft and slender and every time he moves his hand a little too deep and his pinky brushes past where Jeongin's shorts end he can feel the warmth of his hand. He moves them gracefully, in the same way, that Jeongin imagines a pianist to move their hands over the keys while playing a sonata. Maybe Jeongin is being touch-starved, maybe his brain is just too tired to properly process what his body is feeling and maybe he is just so incredibly comfortable with his head on Seungmin's shoulder and Seungmin's hand on his thigh. Either way, he doesn't stop the small whine escaping his lips. Seungmin stops, hand remaining in the same spot for a moment as if contemplating something. Then he curiously moves it again, fingers poking closer to where he knows Jeongin wants to be touched. Jeongin tilts his head further to the side, baring his own neck while he buries his face in the crook of Seungmin's neck, exhaling soft whimpering sounds against his skin and inhaling his scent. Seungmin gently wraps his other arm around Jeongin's waist, tugging on his shirt to pull him over.

"Come here", he whispers. Jeongin's body moves on instinct. The blanket slides off their shoulders but he barely registers the sudden absence of its warmth. There is another fire burning in his core and it's about to devour him. He lets Seungmin pull him into a kneeling position. Now they are kneeling in front of each other. One of Jeongin's legs trapped between Seungmin's and one of Seungmin's trapped between his in turn. Seungmin's knee is brushing against his crotch and Jeongin has to bite his lip to not embarrass himself further. Would it be too desperate to just grab Seungmin and straddle him? To kiss him breathless until everything else is far away and surreal? Seungmin moves his leg a little, purposely pressing his knee against Jeongin's crotch more. His bottom lip is shaking no matter how hard he digs his teeth into it. He feels like falling apart under Seungmin's warm hands.

"Touch me, please", Jeongin cries, lips brushing against Seungmin's skin with every word now that he has freed them from his teeth, his nose almost pressed flat against Seungmin's shoulder in an attempt to inhale as much of his intoxicating smell as possible. Somehow Seungmin always smells like forest and honey. Fresh and sweet. 

"So needy", Seungmin chuckles but he complies right away. With one hand still securely wrapped around Jeongin's waist, he uses the other to tug on the hem of Jeongin's shorts. Jeongin is just waiting for the question. Waiting for the next  _can I?_ The word yes is already on the tip of his tongue, just waiting there for Seungmin to utter the question he dreads. But it never comes. Along with a gentle kiss right below his earlobe Seungmin slides his hand into Jeongin's shorts. No reaffirmation required.

He begins with gentle touches. Agonizingly slow moves of his goddamn perfect fingers. Jeongin has his eyes screwed shut and his face pressed against the soft skin of Seungmin's neck, not even bothering to hide his small moans anymore. He whispers them against Seungmin's skin the way he used to whisper secrets into his ear and then seals them away with open-mouthed kisses. All the while Seungmin's hand is stroking him gently while he's whispering sweet nothing's into his ear.

"I missed this so much", Seungmin confesses softly, lips brushing against Jeongin's ear lobe with every sweet word. "I'm so sorry that things have been awkward. We never had to wait before but I suddenly felt that we had to. That there was something not right about being you with you in this way. I was so stupid. I'm so sorry. I missed touching you so much. You're so pretty, Innie. So perfect."

Jeongin shudders. His teeth brush the skin of Seungmin's neck while he softly sucks on it to swallow down the mewl that is building up in his throat. He doesn't care that he might leave a hickey. From somewhere in the distance Jeongin can hear the old grandfather clock his mother keeps in the hallway loudly announcing that it is midnight now. Jeongin's 18th birthday begins with heat consuming his entire body, burning away all the uncertainty and fear that he had been carrying around with him for the last few months as a wave of pleasure rolls over him. Seungmin catches him in his arms, pressing him tightly to his chest while he waits for his boyfriend to come down from the euphoric high of his climax.

"Happy birthday, babe", Seungmin chuckles, pulling his hands out of Jeongin's shorts and casually wiping them clean on his own shirt.

"I hope this wasn't the only present I'm getting from you", Jeongin jokes, his head still comfortably dizzy and light. Seungmin's laughter sounds like silver bells that herald the start of a new day.

"Greedy", he whispers. He moves his face closer to Jeongin's and this time he goes for the kiss. God, how he missed kissing Seungmin. The darn clock finally stops tolling but their lips remain connected. Seungmin's taste sweet, a hint of honey, probably from some chapstick he uses and Jeongin tries to kiss him as if to make up for all the time they lost with being afraid of overstepping lines that they had drawn themselves.

It's the 8th of February 2019. Jeongin's 18th birthday. And to be honest, nothing much has changed.

 

**Author's Note:**

> So, controversy, huh?  
> Thank you very much for reading this, I appreciate all sorts of feedback and with this one, I'm especially interested in hearing your thoughts, so please, feed a starving author and leave some comments :D  
> Send me hate on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/writteninspring) or follow me on [tumblr](https://spriingflower.tumblr.com/) or [instagram](https://www.instagram.com/iamspringflower/) if you want to.  
> Also happy Jeongin day <3


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